What to Ask When Your Family Goes to See a Prospective Groom

The groom's family came, looked, asked twenty questions and left. Afterwards the bride's father realised he had asked exactly two: what the boy does, and what his father did. Nobody had asked where the couple would live, whether the boy had loans, or what he thought about his wife finishing her master's degree. Two years later, all three of those turned out to matter more than anything discussed that day.

Patro dekhar somoy ki prosno korben is a fair question and a slightly unfair situation, because the bride's side is often expected to be gracious while the other side does the asking. That expectation has no basis in religion, law or common sense. Here is the list, and the way to use it.

You are allowed to ask, and you should

A marriage proposal is a proposal to take responsibility for another adult's life. Asking how that responsibility will be met is not suspicion, it is diligence — and a groom's family that resents the questions has told you something important in the first hour.

Send two or three people, not eight. Agree beforehand who will ask about money, who will ask about the household, and who will simply listen. Somebody should be watching how he treats his mother and how his family treats yours.

Income, work and debt

• What exactly do you do, and how long have you been in this job?
• Is the income regular salary, business income, or a mix? Is it seasonal?
• Are there existing loans — a bank loan, a personal loan, money borrowed for a visa or a business?
• Who else depends on this income at the moment, and will that change after marriage?
• How do you see household money being managed — one account, separate, or a fixed monthly amount?

Ask about debt gently but ask it. A modest salary with no loans is a far safer household than a large salary carrying repayments nobody mentioned. Our guide to the money conversation before marriage sets out how to raise it without it feeling like an audit.

For a probashi groom, be precise. Overseas income sounds larger than it is once deductions, rent and recruitment debt are taken out — and the scale of that migration is enormous, with Bangladesh sending over eleven lakh workers abroad in 2025 according to The Business Standard. Ask about the visa type, the contract length, how often he can come home, and whether the wife would join him or stay in Bangladesh.

Where will the couple live

• Whose house is it, and who else lives there?
• Will the couple have their own room and their own space, or share?
• Is living separately possible later, and how would the family react to it?
• If the groom works abroad or in another district, where will the wife live while he is away?
• How often can she visit her parents, and would staying overnight be an issue?

Get a plain answer, not a warm one. Yes, we will see, and it will be fine are three different ways of saying nothing.

What he expects of her

• Do you want your wife to work? If she is working now, would that continue?
• If she wants to study further, would you support it in practice — time, cost, travel?
• Whose money would her salary be, and how do you see that working?
• What do you expect in terms of hijab, niqab or dress, and is that your expectation or your family's?
• What household responsibilities do you expect her to take on, and what would you take on?

Insist on his answer rather than his mother's. Many disagreements in the first year come from a groom who agreed in the drawing room and then found his family expected something else. Expectations about a working wife is worth reading before this meeting, not after it.

Family, character and how conflict is handled

• Who is in the household, and who makes decisions in it?
• How does the family handle disagreement — is it discussed, or does someone simply decide?
• What does he do when he is angry? Ask him, and then ask people who know him.
• How is deen practised at home, and what would he expect from his wife in that regard?
• What do his friends and colleagues do, and how does he spend a free day?

Then verify independently. Speak to someone at his workplace, someone from his neighbourhood, someone who is not related to either family. Anyone genuine will not mind being checked.

Marital history, den mohor and health

• Has he been married before? If so, is the divorce complete and registered, and are there children?
• Is he currently married to anyone? A second marriage in Bangladesh requires the permission of an arbitration council, a requirement the High Court has upheld, as New Age reported.
• What den mohor is proposed, and how much of it is prompt rather than deferred?
• Any chronic illness, regular medication or hereditary condition in the family? Offer the same information about the bride.

Discuss the mohor figure before the kazi's table, not at it, and make sure the bride's own view is heard, because the money is hers. Shaykh Ahmadullah's discussion of what kabin should be when the groom's income is modest is a useful thing for both families to watch beforehand.

What not to ask, and what to refuse

Do not ask what the groom's family expects to receive. There is no polite version of that question, and there is no lawful answer. Demanding, giving or taking dowry is an offence under the Dowry Prohibition Act 2018, whether it is called a gift, a furniture list or help for the couple. If the other side raises it in any form, that is the end of the conversation, not the beginning of a negotiation.

Also avoid interrogating his parents about their assets, and avoid promising anything on the spot. A family that pushes for a decision the same evening is applying pressure, and pressure is one of the red flags worth taking seriously.

How to ask without giving offence

• Answer the same questions about your daughter before you ask them about him. Reciprocity removes almost all the awkwardness.
• Let the couple speak alone for ten minutes with family nearby. She will learn more in that time than the room will in an hour.
• Ask once, clearly, and wait. Repeating a question sounds like an accusation; the pause does the work.
• Keep money questions to the couple's own finances, never his parents' wealth.
• Write everything down afterwards, and compare notes with the groom's side version at the next meeting.

The groom's family has a list too, and a good one is not an interrogation either — what to ask when you go to see a bride covers that side of the room.

Where amarjibon fits

Most of these answers should exist before anyone visits. On amarjibon, every profile is NID-verified with a liveness selfie check, so a groom is a real, identifiable person before your family invests a Friday afternoon in him.

Profession, education, district of origin, level of observance, marital history and expectations about work and living arrangements are all stated up front, which leaves the meeting for the things that need a face and a voice. The platform is bilingual in English and বাংলা, creating a profile is free, and your phone number stays private until you choose to share it.

Related reading

• Widow and Widower Remarriage: Removing the Stigma
• Surviving and Enjoying the First Year of Marriage
• Walima: The Sunnah, the Etiquette and What It Should Cost

**Create your free profile on amarjibon.com, or download the app on Google Play or the App Store.** Marriage, taken seriously.