What to Actually Ask When You Go to See a Prospective Bride

Seven people from the groom's side sit in a drawing room in Mirpur. Tea, shingara, forty minutes of conversation. On the way home the boy's mother says she seemed nice, the uncle says the flat is smaller than he expected, and nobody in the car can answer a single question about what the young woman wants from her own life. They asked her to stand up. They asked if she cooks.

This is why patri dekhte gie ki prosno korben is one of the most searched questions in Bangladesh. Families know the ritual is broken. Below is what to ask instead, grouped so you can take it with you, and the small number of questions that should never be asked at all.

Decide what you are there to find out

Before anyone leaves the house, agree the three things you most need to learn. Not twenty. Three. Most families arrive with no plan and fall back on the two topics that require no thought — appearance and cooking — then spend the next six months discovering the things they never asked about. The Daily Star has written about why so many young people now feel worn out by the whole process, and this is a large part of it.

Take two or three people, not eight. A crowded room turns a conversation into an inspection, and nobody tells the truth under inspection. If this is a first meeting, how a first arranged meeting should actually work is worth reading first.

Questions that let her speak for herself

• What does an ordinary day look like for you now?
• What are you reading, watching or following at the moment?
• What do you do that has nothing to do with anyone else's expectations?
• What would you like your life to look like in five years?
• What kind of person do you find difficult to live with?
• When you disagree with someone close to you, how do you usually handle it?

That last one is worth more than the rest combined. Every marriage contains disagreement. How a person handles it is the single most useful thing you can learn in one afternoon.

Study, work and her own plans

• What did you study, and would you choose it again?
• Do you want to continue studying after marriage, and what would that need from a husband?
• Are you working now, and do you want to keep working after marriage?
• If your job needed you to travel or work late sometimes, how would you want that handled?
• Is there anything you have wanted to do but not been able to?

Ask these to understand her, not to score her. If your family has already decided the bride will not work, say so honestly at this meeting rather than agreeing warmly now and announcing it after the akd. That particular silence is the origin of a great many unhappy first years.

Family, household and where you will live

• Who is at home, and who does she look after or expect to look after?
• Are any parents financially dependent, on either side?
• Would you expect to live with in-laws, separately, or somewhere in between?
• How often would you want to visit your parents, and would you expect to stay overnight?
• If the husband's work moved to another district or another country, would you go?
• How are decisions made in your family — who is usually consulted?

The living arrangement question causes more first-year conflict than money does. Answer it in the drawing room, in front of both sides, not in a phone call three weeks after the wedding.

Faith, practice and how it is lived

• How is deen practised in your family day to day?
• What do you expect from a husband in terms of practice, and what would you not want imposed?
• How do you feel about hijab or niqab — your own choice, and any expectation from the other side?
• How would you want children raised in terms of religion and schooling?

Two families can both call themselves practising and mean quite different things. This is a conversation, not a test of piety, and it is far kinder to have it now than to discover the gap later.

Health, asked with respect

Health questions are legitimate and should be mutual. Ask about chronic conditions, current medication and anything hereditary in either family, and offer the same information about the groom without being asked.

Doctors in Bangladesh have argued for years that pre-marriage screening, particularly for thalassemia carrier status, should be routine, as this Kaler Kantho piece on testing before marriage explains. Two carriers can produce a severely affected child, and neither may have symptoms. Frame it as something both sides do together, not as an inspection of the bride. Our guide to pre-marriage medical tests lists what is usually included.

The questions you must never ask

1. Anything about dowry, in any wording. What will you give, what does her father plan to do for the couple, what furniture is coming. Demanding, giving or taking dowry is a criminal offence under the Dowry Prohibition Act 2018, and dressing it up as a gift changes nothing.
2. Her weight, her complexion, or a request to stand and walk. It humiliates a grown woman and tells you nothing about a marriage.
3. Questions about her past relationships put as an accusation. If something needs to be disclosed, it belongs in a private, adult conversation, not in front of seven relatives.
4. Anything about her ability to have children. No family can answer it, and asking it in a drawing room is cruelty rather than diligence.
5. Her father's exact salary or the value of the flat. You may discuss the couple's own finances openly; auditing her parents is a different thing entirely.
6. Questions designed to test her cooking in front of the room. If food matters to your household, say so plainly and ask what she enjoys cooking.

How to ask so you get a true answer

• Let the couple speak for ten or fifteen minutes with family nearby but not listening. People answer honestly when they are not performing.
• Answer everything you ask. If you want to know about her work plans, tell her about his hours, his income and his living arrangements first.
• Ask one question at a time and let the silence sit. The best information arrives after the pause.
• Write down what was said on the way home. Memory reshapes itself fast, and two people in the same car will remember different answers.
• Notice what is avoided. Vagueness about income, refusal to let the families meet, or pressure to decide within days are all worth taking seriously — we list the rest in 12 red flags before marriage.

And remember the meeting runs both ways. The bride's side has an equally long list, set out in what to ask when you go to see a groom.

Where amarjibon fits

Half of these questions should be answered before anyone drives anywhere. That is what a proper profile is for. On amarjibon, every profile is NID-verified with a liveness selfie check, so the family you are meeting is the family you were talking to.

You can see education, profession, district of origin, level of observance and expectations about work and living arrangements before the first meeting, which leaves the drawing room free for the questions that actually need a face. The platform is bilingual in English and বাংলা, creating a profile is free, and your phone number stays private until you choose to share it.

Related reading

• Ijab and Qabul: What Actually Makes a Nikah Valid
• Marriage Media and Ghotok Fraud: How Families Get Cheated
• Is Talking to a Potential Spouse Before Marriage Allowed in Islam?

**Create your free profile on amarjibon.com, or download the app on Google Play or the App Store.** Marriage, taken seriously.