Islamic Rules on Seeing a Potential Spouse Before Marriage

Eleven people arrived at a flat in Rampura on a Friday afternoon. Nine of them had never met the family before. A twenty-four-year-old woman was asked to carry in a tray of tea, walk the length of the room, sit, stand, and answer a question about whether she could cook beef rezala. Somebody's aunt asked her to remove her glasses. Nobody asked her a single question about the man she might marry.

Almost everything in that afternoon was culture. Very little of it was religion. The Islamic rules on patri dekha — seeing the person you may marry — give a couple a clear and rather generous right to look at each other before marriage, and the way that right is exercised in many Bangladeshi households would surprise the scholars it is attributed to. Here is what the rules actually are.

Looking is encouraged, not merely permitted

The starting point surprises people. In a well-known narration recorded by Tirmidhi and others, a companion told the Prophet ﷺ that he intended to marry a woman, and he was told to look at her, because it is more likely to bring harmony between them. In another narration a man is asked whether he has seen her, and told to go and look.

That is not grudging permission. It is an instruction, given because a marriage arranged entirely by description tends to go badly. Both sides hold the right. A woman has exactly the same entitlement to see the man, and in Bangladesh she is often the one who never gets to use it.

What may be seen

The majority position is that a man proposing marriage may look at the woman's face and hands. Some scholars permit somewhat more of what would ordinarily show in front of mahrams, and there is a genuine range of opinion here. The face is emphasised for a practical reason: it carries expression, health and character in a way that a list of qualifications does not.

• Looking is allowed. Touching is not. No handshake, no contact of any kind.
• Looking is not staring. The permission is to see her properly, once or more than once if needed, not to inspect a person like goods.
• It should be with a view to marriage, not curiosity. Someone who has no serious intention has no business in the room.
• Photographs occupy a middle ground. Many contemporary scholars accept a modest photograph shared for a genuine marriage proposal, while cautioning about where it travels afterwards. Send it privately, to the family, not into a group of forty people.

Who should be in the room

Two people who could marry each other should not be alone together in a private place. That is the rule of khalwa, and it is the one condition families should be strict about. A mahram — her father, brother, uncle or another relative she could never marry — should be present, or the meeting should happen somewhere genuinely public.

Present does not mean seated between them recording the conversation. The healthiest arrangement in most Bangladeshi homes is a mahram in the room but at a distance, or in an adjoining space with the door open, so the two can speak audibly and comfortably without being alone. This is exactly how a safe first meeting is usually run, and it also protects both families if anything is later disputed.

Patri dekha: ten relatives arriving unannounced is culture, not deen

The patri dekha ritual as many Bangladeshi families practise it has no basis in the Sunnah. The delegation of nine or eleven, the tray of tea, the walk across the room, the questions about height and complexion, the verdict delivered afterwards to the girl's mother by phone — none of that comes from the narrations. What comes from the narrations is a man being told to look at the woman he intends to marry.

It also causes real harm. The Daily Star has written about why this generation is exhausted by the idea of marriage, and being displayed to strangers who then decline without explanation is a large part of what young women in particular describe.

A good first meeting is small. Two or three people from each side, an hour, and time for the couple themselves to talk within sight of a mahram. If a family cannot organise that, it is a fair signal about how they will behave later.

What to actually ask and observe

If you only have an hour, spend it on the things that decide whether two people can live together, not on the things a biodata already told you.

• Religious practice, honestly described. Not the answer given for the room, but what a normal week actually looks like.
• Where the couple will live, and what that means day to day for both of them.
• Work and study. Whether the wife intends to continue, and whether that has genuinely been accepted rather than politely deferred.
• Money. Income, debts, who supports whose parents, and how decisions will be made.
• Health. Bangladeshi doctors have long urged couples to get a thalassemia carrier test before marriage — a point made in Kaler Kantho and again in this NTV report on pre-marriage blood tests. Raising it is not an insult, and it is far easier before a date is set than after.

Prepared question lists for both sides are in questions to ask when seeing a bride and questions to ask when seeing a groom.

What not to do

1. Do not turn it into a performance. No walking across the room, no serving tea as a test, no removing glasses or scarves for inspection.
2. Do not bring an audience. Every extra person makes an honest conversation less likely.
3. Do not comment on appearance in the room. It is unkind and it will be remembered for years.
4. Do not leave the answer hanging. Reply within a few days, one way or the other. Silence is a cruelty families inflict casually.
5. Do not raise dowry. Demanding money or goods from the bride's family is a criminal offence in Bangladesh, and no family worth marrying into will do it.

After the meeting: istikhara, and checking properly

Two things belong in the days after a meeting. The first is checking: the job, the family, the district, the things that were said in passing. This is not distrust, it is diligence, and both sides should do it.

The second is istikhara. It is not a dream and it is not a sign in the sky. It is a prayer asking Allah to make the good option easy and the harmful one difficult, and the answer usually arrives as circumstances opening or closing rather than as certainty. The method and the dua are worth learning properly before you need them.

If the meeting went well and both families agree, the next question is usually how much contact is allowed while things are being arranged. That is covered in talking to a potential spouse before marriage.

Where amarjibon fits

Much of what makes patri dekha unpleasant is that families arrive knowing almost nothing and try to learn everything in ninety minutes. When the basics are established before anyone travels, the meeting becomes what it was meant to be: two people seeing each other, with their families nearby.

amarjibon is a matrimony platform for Bangladeshis at home and abroad. Every profile is NID-verified with a liveness selfie check, families can be involved from the first conversation, and the platform is bilingual in English and বাংলা. You can filter on level of religious practice, education, profession, district of origin and expectations about work and living arrangements, and your phone number stays private until you choose to share it. Creating a profile is free.

Related reading

• Dua for Finding a Good Life Partner
• Getting Married Later: Why Bangladeshis Are Marrying in Their 30s
• How to Tell Your Parents You Are Ready for Marriage

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